Since dad passed away, I have had a difficult time getting a grip on life. I can’t seem to open my bible for long with any sort of focus. I can’t seem to find words to write. I can’t even find the energy to do basic chores around the house with any consistency. I keep telling myself to get it together, but in the same breath, I also tell myself it is okay to grieve. Then, with the next breath, I tell myself I have grieved long enough, and I turn on myself, getting frustrated and angry because I feel so paralyzed. The last six months have been rough.
I received an email a few weeks ago from a friend who invited me to a Bible study. I didn’t even look at the study to see if it was something I would be interested in. I simply hit reply and committed to attending – which is highly unusual for me. I typically research the study and weigh the benefits and risks of attending because I am an introvert and leaving my house is exhausting. After letting Mike know where I’d be on Thursday nights in July, I ordered the book. Turns out, this is a study with perfect timing for me. The book is titled, “Get Out of Your Head,” by Jennie Allen. After only reading two chapters and attending one session, I have no doubt this is God moving in my grief and I am grateful to my friend for her obedience in hosting and inviting me to join.
In the past, when I have been “in my head” on an issue, I could chat with dad. He seldom gave advice. He preferred to let us kids figure things out on our own and just guided us along the way with his wisdom – and I have felt comfort in that. You’re never too old for your dad’s wisdom. Lucky for me, I have much of his wisdom tucked in my heart.
I often beat myself up when thinking of dad. I wish I could have been there to hold his hand in his pain. I wish I could have said a proper goodbye (whatever that is). I constantly think he didn’t deserve to die. For that matter, neither did mom. I know there is a circle of life. I know we all die. But mom and dad didn’t deserve to die when they did. They were kind people. They loved Jesus. They would do anything for anyone. They deserved to see their grandkids get married and their great-grandkids be born. I will never understand how God chose them to leave the earth when he did.
A lot of life simply is not fair.
This morning, I thought about that unfairness. I took my thoughts captive and came to the conclusion Jesus would agree. I remembered how he sat in the garden and prayed so hard for his circumstances to change that blood dripped from the sweat of his brow. He didn’t deserve death either, yet he willingly went to the cross for us. I was strangely calmed. Instead of dwelling on how undeserving dad was for death, I turned my thoughts to Jesus conquering the grave. A grave he didn’t deserve, but one he was willing to face so that my parents could one day rejoice with him in a space with no sickness or tears.
As I prepare my heart for the first birthday without dad, another year without mom, and the first anniversary without them both, I am dreading the months of August and September, but I am slowly coming to terms with the sweet celebration they have together in heaven with Jesus. That is exactly what they deserve. I have no reason to be sad knowing how happy they must be. Today, I will draw my strength from their assured happiness and I find comfort.
How do you take your thoughts captive in difficult times?
D 😊
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Beautiful picture of you and your dad. Sending love, hugs, and prayers for peace and comfort.
No matter how old we are the loss of parents makes us feel like orphans! I didn't have the easiest of relationships with mine, but I miss them dearly. Praying that you find comfort in God.